A short history of blind pigs, cashew wine and Bangkok beers in a fish tank

by Jules Torti

In July 2024, a 14-day strike by the Liquor Control Board of Ontario (LCBO) left Canadians high and DRY. It was a black fly in our chardonnay when 9,000 LCBO employees went on strike, shuttering 669 locations across the province in a bizarre prohibition of sorts. When toilet paper was as pandemic precious as a Taylor Swift concert ticket and all-purpose flour became the modern version of the gold rush, I barely broke a sweat. Now? The LCBO strike led to my wife and I drinking a local chilled (and overpriced) chardonnay which communicates a lot about the state of the drinking union. We’d had our fill.

Because we live in a rural area, we are privy to LCBO “Convenience Outlets” which remained open during the strike. When our Chilean cab sauv/merlot cellar thinned, Kim and I decided to take advantage of the inventory at Pike Bay, where thirsty cottagers clotted the general store in search of the exact same thing. There was no red anything to be found. Not even red wine vinegar. For those who drink peppermint schnapps and Drambuie, well, the world was still your oyster. We were forced to debate the merits of a Niagara chardonnay versus a drinking box of pinot gris.

Canada’s Last Dry City, Owen Sound

This area is drunk in prohibition history. Owen Sound (Ontario), one hour south of us, was Canada’s last “dry” city. When prohibition ended in Ontario in 1927, our Eastnor township remained “wet” while Tobermory and Lion’s Head stayed as dry as the Sahara. An entrepreneur bought the former “Handicraft House” at the corner of Ira Lake Road and established the historic Colonel Clarke’s Tavern. In turn, three local bootleggers suddenly found themselves looking at job ads.

During this era, low-class establishments that sold booze during prohibition were known as blind pigs. In Mono, the Blind Line stretch of road from Highway 89 to Orangeville is a nod to the notorious 7 Blind Pigs. It makes you wonder about those Three Little Pigs—was there a blind pig undertone in that fable? Was that first little pig’s house built out of straw or barley? Interesting that he and the stick house pig built their houses “very quickly and then sang and danced all day because they were lazy.”

Foraging for Booze Around the World

Sometimes, procuring beer or wine is a snap. The Santorini airport has beer vending machines in the departure gates for crying out loud! On some isle adrift of Hydra we were introduced to homemade geranium liqueur and cacti pressed into potency. In the Galapagos Islands, we saw not only blue footed boobies in real life but found Boobies beer!

Nano-breweries in Scotland

In Plockton, Scotland, Kim and I elbowed our way into a tiny by-appointment-only nano brewery that once housed chickens. The owner and master brewer apologized that he didn’t have any beer available on-site in the coop reno and directed us back to The Plockton Inn (where we were staying) or to The Shores beside Calum’s Seal Trips. “Can’t miss it.” He was right—on Harbour Road there’s The Plockton Hotel (not to be confused with The Plockton Inn), the seal excursion ticket outlet, The Shores pub and the Plockton Distillery, a beer bottle’s throw away.

Find the perfect wine tour or distillery tour on Viator here!

Moonshine in Egypt

Kim and I have gone to Herculean lengths to obtain beer not just from chicken coops but also Egyptian desert oases. We bought fig moonshine in the Siwa Oasis from our donkey rickshaw driver’s uncle (that we eventually poured out in a hotel sink on the Red Sea). Neither of us could enter the bathroom without a coughing fit and hot tears. I think in the right fermenting environment, figs eventually turn into gasoline. In complete contrast, shaking a vodka martini in Iceland was easy with non-stop access to bobbing iceberg cubes and snowfields that are synonymous with the Ring Road landscape.

Cashew wine in Belize

In Hopkins Village, Belize, things were a little dustier and semi-exasperating but we found a bottle of caramel-coloured cashew wine. As much as I love cashews (*I eat them until I have cramps), the wine version is not as promising as it sounds. This wine accompanied a perfect disaster dinner menu of tamales wrapped in banana leaves. After one tentative bite, Kim said, “Tell me this isn’t cat food.”

Speakeasy in Jakarta

In Jakarta, en route to our hotel on the west coast, our taxi driver stopped at his friend’s private home when we asked if there was somewhere we could buy beer. It was a hushed speakeasy-style transaction. Fun fact: At the Soekarno–Hatta International Airport, the only place to buy beer in all of Terminal 2 was, oddly, WHSmith Books. Yes, the bookstore sold beer. And cigars. And shrimp chips with dipping sauce.

Bobo and milk tea in Indonesia

In Anyer Beach, Indonesia, the Muslim population made finding a bottle of wine of any sort (cashew or otherwise) the greatest game of hide n’ go seek. There’s not a shiver to be had in Anyer Beach as it throbs with heat. You could steep a decent cup of tea in the 88-degree Indian Ocean and that’s exactly what everyone was drinking while listening to the throb of Madonna and an overlay of the Muslim call to prayer.

We watched distant ash plumes push into the sky above the mighty Krakatoa on the silver horizon while sampling curious blends of canned Del Monte popping boba and milk tea. The red velvet option was exactly like drinking liquid cake. As for the rasa caramel cheese blend, well, it’s a perfect example of two words that shouldn’t be in the same sentence.

Thirst-quenching bottles in Tanzania

While the hotel’s wine list/stock was extremely limited (three bottles) and exorbitant ($80 US). Outside the hotel, it was totally beer-less, a sharp contrast to Tanzania where you can buy the popular Serengeti or Flying Fish brands everywhere and drink them anywhere at any time!

On the flip side, our Indonesian hotel’s laundry service checklist was very all-inclusive. We could have our safari suits pressed or opt to launder our tuxedos, panties, jilbabs or leather jackets for a fair price.

Booze around the world: The Dramatic Conclusion

It was Alanis Morissette who famously sang about that black fly in her chardonnay but isn’t it ironic that Kim and I are whining about drinking chardonnay? Our drinking resume includes the lethal likes of bathtub vodka on the Yangtze to avoid the steep riverboat drink packages. Methanol-induced blindness has actually been recorded in China and Russia from fake vodka consumption. Bathtub distillation aside, we’ve also downed murky Belizean cashew wine, potent palm wine at a Seychelles night market and Egyptian fig moonshine that could polish brass in a pinch.

Point is, Kim and I are resourceful survivalists. We can eat cat food and sniff out beers in a chicken coop and drink chardonnay or wine squeezed out of cashews if need be. We’re great at foraging and if it means drinking beer with our feet in an aquarium in Bangkok, cheers to that.

More Culinary Adventures From Around the World