Last updated on June 7th, 2024
Featured image: Why do older women feel ignored when we travel, and in life? / Photo by djoronimo on Envato
I love solo travel, but I don’t love being overlooked
by Kathy Buckworth
I sat down at the hotel bar after a long day of travel, desperate for a bite to eat and something to drink. There were two bartenders, busy behind the counter, but there were no other customers waiting to be served. After five minutes went by, I tried to catch the eye of one of them – a friendly wave – a cough – nothing. Two young women came up to the bar and sat down, chatting exuberantly. Immediately the bartender went over to give them coasters and to ask them what they would like to drink.
Did he not see me? Did he assume I was waiting for someone? Should I be louder?
Just then, two men in their 50s sat down on the other side of me. The bartender delivered the ladies their drinks, and then went to the men to get their order. He walked right past me. After the men ordered and it was clear I wasn’t going to be served, I asked the men to get the bartender’s attention for me so I could order. They did, and I ordered, but more than making me mad, it left me astounded.
Why do I feel invisible?
If you are a woman over the age of 50, you will become invisible. People tell you this, and I still can’t believe it’s true, but it has happened to me more times than I can count.
I posted my thoughts on Threads, venting a little bit, but not naming names or being too terribly rude:
“Just here to say that 💯 as a 61 year old woman I get IGNORED all the time at bars and restaurants. And here’s the thing. We have money. We order. And we tip well. But you just carry on…🙄”
Within 13 hours I had over 2,000 likes and 300 replies. And it grew, and it grew, and at time of writing is over 7,400 likes and 1,400 comments.
Read more: Women Share Their Age-Defying Adventures (October 2020) / Photo by anatolily_gleb on Adobe Stock
Most of the responses were from other women who had experienced the same thing and agreed that it was a real phenomenon. And we are all equally puzzled by it.
In an effort to advocate for women over 50, a recent study by JourneyWoman revealed that 70% of women over the age of 50% felt undervalued and ignored by the travel industry as a whole.
Why? Well, some of the responses I received perhaps reflect what others are thinking. I was told:
- I shouldn’t be in a bar because I’m 61
- I was probably upset I wasn’t getting male attention
- Likely I had resting bitch face so why would they serve me
- Women are lousy tippers and servers know this
- I must be a bot because 61 year olds don’t look like me
- Why was I out on my own, at my age, no one does that
- Clearly the server must have thought I was waiting for someone
- I was probably a Karen and had probably already spoken to the manager
There were several other nasty notes, mostly from men, but from younger women also, who wanted me to fix this problem. It was my fault that other people found me invisible. I should be louder, friendlier, wave my arms, do a dance…it was exhausting to read all of these notes, so I stopped.
Read More: Life Doesn’t End at 80, Neither Does Travel
I feel empowered, now what?
I had lovely support from Stacy London (of What Not to Wear and a recent aging advocate) who said “Kathy I don’t know you but I hear you. I promise more good things are coming to serve you and this entire demographic proudlyq50”
And my pals Erin Davis and Lisa Brandt of the extremely popular podcast Gracefully and Frankly talked about it on Episode 72 on May 9th. Thanks to everyone on Threads who took on the trolls when I was too exhausted to do so.
As a person who travels quite a bit, I am often on my own in restaurants and bars, and I like it. I love solo dining.
What I don’t love is being overlooked, and then being told I need to fix myself. Do better, restaurants and servers. We can do one thing as well, which is sharing our good experiences at restaurants and bars, and recommending them to other solo women customers. I’m not much for naming and shaming the ones who do it badly, but for rewarding those who just want to give a human being a meal, no matter who they are, or how old they are.
What can we do about it?
I shared this story on from the JourneyWoman community on Facebook and most comments were to be louder, smile more, wave a credit card or cash, leave the establishment, or complain to the manager. In my mind, these don’t solve the underlying problem, but perhaps the more we shine the spotlight on the fact that it is a real issue, maybe we can activate some change.
Now, please excuse me while I respond to the direct message which reads “I’m a 28 year old self made millionaire and I will buy you your own bar or restaurant.” We can call it The Cloakroom of Invisibility.
Please share your thoughts below in the comments.
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Kathy Buckworth
Kathy Buckworth is an award-winning writer, spokesperson, content creator and media personality. She is the author of six non-fiction books. Kathy is the creator, host, writer and researcher for the Zoomer Radio show and podcast, Go-To Grandma, which launched in 2021. She has interviewed hundreds of guests, and the show is in the top three sponsored shows on Zoomer. She is also the co-host of the Elder Wisdom Podcast, which has just reached 100,000 downloads.
Kathy, you are so right. We women of a certain age are networkers and reviewers at the professional level! I will go out of my way to visit an establishment if a peer tells me they had a good experience. Thanks so much for mentioning G&F and for your inspiration.
Hi Kathy
As a young at heart 68 year old I really like the idea of sharing restaurants that embrace our generation. I too tip well but if ignored for a meal out I don’t believe I need to reward the absence of a waiter/ waitress!!
After being totally ignored by a tour guide in Italy for 2 weeks, I was very happy to take his tip envelope & purchase myself a lovely leather wallet.
Upon departure at the airport I shook his hand with my empty hand & a big smile.
I have done the same on many trips. Gratuities are precisely that: something given voluntarily or beyond obligation usually for some service (Meriam/Western). I only tip if the service has been above expectations.
I skip the tip when it is collected mid-journey. People tip well at that point b/c they fear they will receive no attention at all for the rest of the trip, but I have no cause to worry since I have been invisible since day one.
Being ignored does not bother me anymore. What does bother me is the person who decides that there will be a group collection; sets the rate, and bullies the group members into it. And not surprisingly is the one who grinningly handss over the tip while making a speech about the how wonderful the service has been.
This has definitely happened to me on several occasions, although it has been worse in some places or countries than others. As a single traveller “of a certain age” I was treated extremely well in Italy, I think because there’s a strong culture of respect for older women there.
I love the idea of a younger something funding something called, “The Cloakroom of Invisibility”! I think it would be a great hit.
I recently returned from a trip to England to meet a group but traveled solo for a few days. I am recenlty widowed and could not believe the contrast of how I was treated when with my husband and now as a solo traveler. I discounted it at first but after several similar experiences I can say it is a trend. I am sorry to say it is not just males but also women who discount us. Several bartenders ignored me when trying to order finally a gentleman helped me. I made a large show of tipping him with cash after the service. I was clear that the other servers took not and the rest of my visit I was not ignored.
I recently returned from a trip to England to meet a group but traveled solo for a few days. I am recenlty widowed and could not believe the contrast of how I was treated when with my husband and now as a solo traveler. I discounted it at first but after several similar experiences I can say it is a trend. I am sorry to say it is not just males but also women who discount us. Several bartenders ignored me when trying to order finally a gentleman helped me. I made a large show of tipping him with cash after the service. I was clear that the other servers took not and the rest of my visit I was not ignored. Also, post reviews on Trip Advisor as a solo traveler
After 50 I was invisible and still am. I enter a restaurant and am addressed ‘just you?’ They want to seat me at the bar which I hate and refuse, so I don’t take up a table for 2, but 2 can sit at a table for 4….my worst experiences were in New Zealand! I noticed I rarely saw older women on their own, when I was asked about senior discounts I was told No, we treat everyone the same here. Untrue and shocking. I travel on my own all the time. It just gets worse.
Well I have traveled alone for professional and personal reasons. have yet to experience being ignored. May be I am louder and do not have the patience for bad manners. I regularly go a couple of bars in Montreal where I have been living for the past 32 years, and always eat at the bar so I can chat with any of the servers behind the bar and do not get ignored. Ditto in France or Spain or Germany where I go regularly. Lived in Australia too and surprised about the comment re New Zealand where I was recently. Currently 72.
Being invisible. This happens to me all the time. I always get the short end of the stick no matter what I do. It is real. I get treated differently on the phone, and doctor’s office’s, in grocery stores, everywhere I go. I’m a 69-year-old woman who can take care of herself. So I just try to stay positive.
I am 66 and still trying to get used to this invisibility. All of the above commentary rings true for me. It is not only in restaurants but everywhere in life that I am now looked over. despite always making every effort to be upbeat and smile, there seems to be no interest or even a Displeasure that I feel from people When interacting. I am slim, strong and well groomed but don’t get any botox or fillers: In addition to many of the comments above, I have to wonder if both men and women of all ages look at a woman who is greying and getting “Wrinkly” with a bit of distaste / yuck…or even (In our culture) fear. )-:
As to the comments of women that don’t tip well… I believe that if we as older women don’t let servers or managers know why we are not tipping well then the assumption from servers that we are not worth the attention will persist.
Wow, did this ring true for me too. I’m now 58 and service has been getting worse — I find it could also have to do with your weight as I did gain during menopause. I worked for tips when I was younger and always reward good service…. when I get it that is. Not uncommon for me to leave 40% tip and certainly 25% is my minimum for good service. Sometimes it is so aggravating, I just leave. If I enter an establishment in a good mood and it is slowly turning into frustration, annoyance, etc… why spend my hard-earned money for that type of an experience? I guess I start to question myself and wonder “do I have a mean look on my face”, “do I look like I won’t tip them?” Am I too old and they don’t want me to come back? who knows. It’s happening more and more lately — I don’t even want to go out.
Sorry to hear this is common with other ladies out there.